I’m a carb girl, born and bread
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interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
X-tra spooky blend
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?