At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
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If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed