I needed this laugh πππ
You Might Also Like
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – canβt think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
For valentineβs day, Iβm taking my wife to see β50 Shadesβ.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Victorian photographers like βOkay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where itβs unclear whoβs actually aliveβ
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Look, Iβve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I introduced my kids to the βmagical snap of sleepβ, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Thereβs no need to use military time with me. Iβm pretty sure I wonβt show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
doctor: Iβm afraid itβs bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY