Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
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Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
buys donuts instead
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Cheers Twitter.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”