Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
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kitchen magnet
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
seems like a niche market
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*