Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
You Might Also Like
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
<- sleeps well with others
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Beware of the dog..
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Bloody internet 😳