“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
You Might Also Like
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I hope Alan is OK
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.