Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
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cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
That was easy.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
True
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.