You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
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As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129