I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
You Might Also Like
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Banana is the quietest snack
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar