When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
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Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt