if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
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“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.