Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
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“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are