In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
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Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
jesus christ confetti not now
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.