me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
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True
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
What the dentist sees