Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
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Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I enjoy a good short stor
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”