Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
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If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?