[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
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Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
#NoRestForTheWicked
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct