Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
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My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
My dad.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix