You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
You Might Also Like
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
What
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?