I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
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[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Leaving the Barbers like
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there