Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
You Might Also Like
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house