[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
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If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
WHY would you be happy about this?
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.