When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
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If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076