Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
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I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”