Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
You Might Also Like
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion