Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
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Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
subtitles are so good nowadays
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
When does CPR become necrophilia?
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes