Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
You Might Also Like
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail