Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
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Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Name this drama.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable