I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
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My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
the saddest jazz hands ever
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here