As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
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[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”