My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
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8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
This rocks
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
you will never know the true number of layers
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question