A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
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Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.