*praying for world peace*
God:
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Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
True
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!