Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
You Might Also Like
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.