Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
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14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.