horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
You Might Also Like
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.