“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
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[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
@ candidates for local office
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”