God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
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“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral