Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
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So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
A customer told me they were never coming back….
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.