Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
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When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Venn
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts