Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
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Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Steam Forums
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
you will never know the true number of layers
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Sniffing the broccoli