So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
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Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
The funk soul brother
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.