Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
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I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes