Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
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Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.