I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
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People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
It be like that sometimes 😆
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Camping tip: No.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow