Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
You Might Also Like
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent鈥檚 living room at Christmas.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
me hooking up with my ex
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
If you don鈥檛 wear pants, you鈥檒l never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I鈥檝e been through
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she鈥檚 safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.