The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
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So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.