My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
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Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.