I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
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Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?